Tom Collins: Confessions of a Holiday Glutton

“HAVE ANOTHER SHRIMP, DEAR” or CONFESSIONS OF A GLUTTON’Tis the season folks, the season of overindulgence
and regret. Here are the gritty bloated details of my latest battle with a tasty holiday buffet, and some suggestions on ways to ease the stomach pains which plague folks who frequent the hors d’oeurves table too many times to count.WAITING FOR THE PARTY, TRYING NOT TO EAT

4:00 pm – The party isn’t for another three hours. Since the food will be great, I resist the normal coffee and muffin break and have an apple instead.

4:30 pm – I leave my cubicle and head downstairs for a double mocha. But who can resist those late afternoon half-price muffins? Mmmm,mmmm.

6:30 pm – An hour before I’m leave for the party, I have a little bowl of cereal. That’ll keep me from stuffing myself when I get there. Right?

7:15 pm – Good parking karma means I’m standing amongst the tastefully arranged portobello mushrooms, chicken skewers and endive mystery treats, and eating even sooner than I thought.

8:00 pm – I loosen my belt.

8:15 pm – I unbutton my pants.

9:15 pm – Six jumbo chocolate covered strawberries and mini pecan tarts later, I’m eating my last truffle. Actually I had three “last” truffles, and I wish I’d brought a plastic bag to sneak some home with me. My stomach hurts. I’ve been told that Jagermeister is a great digestive, but it isn’t working.


Well folks, the obvious answer to my dilemma (and probably yours too) is don’t eat so much. Chew your food…slowly. If your boss is heading your way and you just shoved a shrimp in your mouth, don’t inhaleit. Keep on chewing. Put a napkin in front of your face in you have to.

Digestion begins in your mouth. Saliva starts the process of breaking down your food. If you shove too much paper in the shredder, it jams. Your stomach isn’t very different.


And folks, if your stomach needs some help, buy some digestive enzymes. A simple roll of papaya enzymes costs less than a dollar. Papaya and pineapple contain enzymes that are effective as a mild digestive aid, if you don’t approach the buffet like a camel at the oasis.

But if you’re a glutton like me, buy a bottle of broad-based digestive enzymes. This refers to a product that contains six of the most common enzymes your body produces to digest fats, carbohydrates, and proteins.
Take one or two while eating. Don’t forget to chew. And while one glass of Jagermeister can actually stimulate digestion, the second and third shots aren’t medicinal.

To your good health,

Tom Collins


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