Conference Board Announces New Consumer Shoplifting Index

The Conference Board, best known for its Consumer Confidence Index announced today that in response to “increasingly recession panicked soccer Moms, meth heads, bonus-less Wall Street traders and nearly everybody f-ing else” it would begin tracking consumer shoplifting habits.

Unlike the Board’s well established Consumer Confidence Index which utilizes a household panel of 5,000 Americans, the Shoplifting Index will employ new unorthodox techniques to measure “the habits of “sticky-fingered Americans across the land.”

While declining to detail its exact methodology The Board did say it will include a variety of new sources most notably, “those hard working men and women sitting behind one-way security mirrors in Food, Drug and Mass and Department stores across America, as well as other less reputable snakes who have been robbing stores blind for years.”

The Board said initial findings are not surprisingly showing that Shoplifting Rates were rising faster than the Confidence Index.

More interesting they noted was the fact that products showing unusually high penetration in the data included Nestle’s Goobers and Raisinets. LEGGS brand pantyhose, K.C. Masterpiece BBQ Sauce and Annie’s Naturals Goddess Salad Dressing.


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